finding beauty in this season

 “to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1

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7.19.19

 

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Cancer, the easiest battle I believe to be faced to test one’s faith.

Cancer, the season my Mama believes God intends for in this time of her life; a test of her strength but a foundation for the unwavering faith to be built in her heart, a foundation to the faith God craves her so eagerly to hold onto.

 

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| An open letter to my Mother during this season God has placed in our lives |

 

Mama,

I write this in hopes you can catch a glimpse of yourself in your daughter’s eyes. I write this to share with you the things I want you to carry in your heart daily. I write this in hopes you see at least one thing you may have thought went unnoticed. I write this to share how deeply I love you, unconditionally.

Over the years, I’ve witnessed you face many trials. I sit here now and can’t help but think… God was preparing you for this season; strengthening your heart to embrace this time in your life; guiding you as you raised me into the woman I am today, ready to face this season with you with faith in His plans.

I’ve always told you and I say it again today; you are the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever met still to this day and confidently I can say I will ever meet. Regardless of what this season brings, the way I see you will never be tainted. When it comes time to endure treatment & conquer this, no change of appearance or moment of weakness could waver the beauty I see in you. Don’t be mistaken, your beauty is on the outside as well. But ultimately, the beauty I see and carry within my heart has been built over many years of witnessing the woman you are, the mother you are, the way you love me, the way you love your family, the strength you carry, the way you embrace life fiercely, the way I’ve witnessed God take hold of your heart.

I refuse to let the Devil sway my mind to negative thoughts, thoughts of carrying on without you. I stand firm in believing God has strategically planned this season of your life and prepared you for it your entire life. I stand firm in my faith that all His plans are good. I stand firm in believing if we truly could grasp his purpose for our pain, how each trial is for our good.. we’d feel an amount of love our hearts may not fully be prepared to comprehend. I stand firm in resting my heart on His promises.

You’ve instilled strength in me since I was born, you’ve instilled pieces that make me the woman I am today that I am proud to say I developed solely because of you. Regardless of what trials we’ve faced over the years, you’ve remained to be the one person I know I can turn too in need. As a woman who’s now a mother; I can now see the reasoning behind your worry, the reasoning behind your frustration with me during seasons of my life I make decisions you know aren’t in my best interest, your sadness during the seasons I face knowing you can’t take that pain from me, your happiness during the seasons you see God working in my life, your reasoning behind the seasons of my life you’d “harp” on me in hopes of saving me from difficulty or struggle, I understand your eagerness for me to know my worth when I felt unloved or unworthy, I understand your love for me was always the absolute most your heart could give me. For all the times that I hurt you by lacking that understanding or questioned your reasoning, I am sorry, Mama.

For any times you look back and question whether you did the right thing with me, any times you feel regret as my Mother (because that’s simply just inevitable as a mother), any times you feel you could’ve made different decisions that would’ve avoided trials we faced together… Please know that I don’t ever carry any of that in my heart. I love you for reasons beyond count. I love you for all that you are. I love you for all the times in my life that you were at your best & the times you may have felt you were at your worst. I love you in the most pure and natural state love comes in.

I can’t help but wish you could see yourself in my eyes, if you could see the little things I find most beautiful about you. I don’t say these things as if you’re going anywhere, just as you keep telling me, heaven isn’t ready for ya… I say these things because they are constant thoughts, memories or characteristics about you that I treasure and reminisce on constantly now that we’re miles and miles apart. Even before I knew we were about to face this season of difficulty… It’s just how I see you, Mama. It’s things that I came to treasure or appreciate inevitably about you and some things I’ve come to appreciate with age. (yes, I know Mama, I’m still young) Honestly though, it’s ultimately the mixture of a million little things and silly memories we’ve made over the years that I treasure most.

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Thank you… 

Thank you for all the sacrifices you’ve made for me.

Thank you for all the hard decisions you’ve made with my heart in mind.

Thank you for always correcting me, giving me a firm “ma’am” after I’d respond to you with a yes or no, instead of a yes ma’am or no ma’am.

Thank you for all the nights you stayed up with me to listen to me vent, to remind me that the heartache would pass.

Thank you for coming to get me on nights I’d stay with friends and want to come home.

Thank you for always reminding me that no matter what, I can call you.

Thank you for your patience with me during the years I tested you and pushed you away.

Thank you for supporting me when no one else did.

Thank you for taking me places with your friends instead of just making it a night out for yourself.

Thank you for working extra to make ends meet when it was just us.

Thank you for finding a way to give me things I felt were “necessary”, things my friends may have had or were “cool” at the time.

Thank you for cooking for me when you had worked all day or were tired.

Thank you for your last bite.

Thank you for all your notes you’d leave me to find.

Thank you for my homecoming dress that we really couldn’t afford but you got anyways because you knew it made me feel beautiful.

Thank you for being my biggest fan, still to this day, and alway believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.

Thank for you for telling me I looked beautiful over and over again before every school day, date or special occasion.

Thank you for telling me you love me 10x as I left the house or as you dropped me off somewhere.

Thank you for yelling it out the window in the carpool line when I tried to leave mad, too… Lol.

Thank you for always putting a smile on my friend’s face and giving them advice when they would vent to you.

Thank you for going above and beyond on helping me with school projects & such.

Thank you for making me take off my makeup when I tried to wear it way too young.

Thank you for making me “put some damn clothes on” when I tried to leave the house wearing something stupid.

Thank you for making every Christmas beautiful and every Thanksgiving delicious. Growing up and moving out isn’t all it’s cracked up to be reason #1…

Thank you for cooking for hours and taste testing so much you’re not even hungry by the time everyone ate.

Thank you for all the back rubs.

Thank you for being there and supporting me throughout my pregnancy with Charlie, even though I was so young and scared, you made it such a special time in my life.

Thank you for giving luxuries as a child and teenager that many pray for… for always making an extra effort to give me the life you dreamt of as a child or teenager.

Thank you for keeping Nana apart of my life even when you two had your differences.

Thank you for driving me halfway to meet my Dad to see him in Tennessee. Also, for never speaking ill of him to me, for keeping a civil and kind relationship with him despite your differences. And for the times it may have no been so kind/civil, for protecting me from seeing that.

Thank you for always making my birthday cards or cards on holiday’s handmade.

Thank you for always making each one of those special, too.

Thank you for taking me to get my hair & makeup done before a school dance, just because it made me feel special.

Thank you for being honest with me when it wasn’t easy.

Thank you for staying up with me all night when I didn’t make the cheerleading team.

Thank you for always tucking me in and saying prayers at night.

Thank you for being a constant hug or simple touch just when you walk by, your affection was contagious and has been something that I see within myself now.

Thank you for having patience with my stubbornness as I made choices that you tried to protect me from, for letting go even if it broke your heart in order for me to learn and grow from it.

A few of my favorite things we’d do together…

Garage sale hopping on Saturday mornings.

Late night Wal-Mart trips.

Tannehill trade shows & funnel cakes.

Blasting Shania Twain in the car.

Playing SkipBo, listening to Delilah on the back porch.

Binge watching Lifetime movies.

Laughing until we cry watching Reba (but mainly Barbara Jean giving us the laughs)

Snow-Biz dates.

What I love most about you, Mama…

Your fight, your stubbornness to keep going when life gets tough.

Always feeling you brush my arm, giving me a kiss on the head or stopping to hug me in passing around the house. Just because.

Watching you put on you lipliner and shimmery brown Wet n’ Wild lipgloss growing up.

Your ability to put a huge smile on a stranger’s face just by sparking up a conversation with them.

Your love for garage sale and Goodwill finds, which has definitely been passed on to me.

Your contagious laugh.

How you take notes when you watch a good, soulful show like Oprah on Soul Sunday.

Your love for good music.

How you’d only get the Sunday paper for all the coupons but half the time you’d never use them.

Your heart, never losing that regardless of what you’ve been through.

Your ability to forgive and show grace.

Your knack for decorating and making things beautiful again.

Your cooking, thank you Lord, your cooking.

Always asking if your cooking needs salt.

Telling me you love me 5x before we hang up the phone.

How you always “tickled” me until I fell asleep when I couldn’t sleep.

Coming home to you having all the windows open, cleaning and blaring CMT music videos.

How you’d mow the lawn and do the things most women don’t just “do” around the house.

Seeing you get ready, usually with the countertops unseen, trying on a ton of different things and just sitting there admiring how beautiful you.

Your optimism, faith and strength you hold fiercely during the toughest of times.

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“Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.” Psalm 16:5 

Whatever is to come ahead, I stand here with you, Mama. God has assigned us exactly what he knows we can handle, what we need, even when we can’t possibly understand it. You are loved more than you know & surrounded by constant prayers right now.

Your unwavering faith, constant encouragement and protection of my heart during one of the hardest times of your life truly just stops me in my tracks. I am so incredibly thankful and proud of you, Mama.

There may be days where things feel like an uphill battle but you’ve taught me, they pass.  On those days, cling to your faith, pray without ceasing.  You’ve equipped me as much as possible to provide the strength you lack on those days, just as you’ve always done for me… if that’s not enough; God stands with us through this and I pray for His strength to be with me to relay to you on those days as well.

What we lack through this season, we’ll pray for, together.

Mama, I’m certain God has plans for you we cannot fully comprehend, plans that are only good. So, we’re going to enter this season trusting His plans, allowing his sovereign hand will be our guide.

I love you, Mama.